Me, my husband, and our closest friends on his graduation day.

Me, my husband, and our closest friends on his graduation day.

The New Year always makes me want to look back on the previous year. But this year, that process of looking back was painful. It was so painful, I resisted doing it for a long time.

Here’s what I went through in 2014:

  • I started the year days after suffering a miscarriage. I was barely 5 weeks pregnant.
  • I found out about 3 weeks later I was pregnant again (much to everyone’s surprise, even my doctor’s!)
  • I finally bought the vehicle of my dreams <3
  • My husband graduated from college, after many, many years of trying to get back to school to finish what he started before we met.
  • A week after the graduation ceremony, at roughly 20 weeks, I lost the second pregnancy.
I am right around 18 weeks pregnant in this picture.

I am right around 18 weeks pregnant in this picture.

  • A month after I returned to work, I lost the job that had supported me and my husband while he was in school full time and not working. Even though we had always planned for me to eventually leave that job (partially due to the insane amount of stress & harassment I dealt with there), the job loss was a terribly timed blow.
  • The day after I lost my job, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. (I had been suffering for weeks before realizing I could have PPD.) Had I been able to make a trip to my doctor’s office any earlier, I could have qualified for medical leave and kept my job.
  • Even though I was not ready to go back to work, I spent all summer looking for a replacement job.
  • I finally started making headway with building Second Reverie. It feels right; it feels fresh.
  • Our living situation imploded; my husband was offered a job in his hometown. In two weeks, we moved, and ended up staying with my in-laws.
  • Hubby’s job ended up being not nearly what they promised it would be, and he leaves after being offered another, higher paying job. It takes him 3 weeks to start there.
  • I looked and looked and looked for a part time job.
  • Around Christmas, the onslaught began to lighten up. We felt like we had room to breathe again.
  • The laptop of my dreams showed up as a gift – so I can really take my business on the road and get things done at coffee shops, libraries, and even in the car.
  • I slugged out my first book. Ever.
  • Miraculously, I found a place that I can afford to rent for my office. The year ended on a slightly hopeful note.
Driving to the grocery store the day after I came home from the hospital, I silently asked if the spirit of our baby was with us. "I am with you always" by Killswitch Engage came on the radio 30 seconds after. These are keychains of the lyrics that my husband found a few weeks later.

Driving to the grocery store the day after I came home from the hospital, I silently asked if the spirit of our baby was with us. “I am with you always” by Killswitch Engage came on the radio 30 seconds after. These are keychains of the lyrics that my husband found a few weeks later.

I have been through so much in the last 14 months… I spent so much of January trying to process everything I have been through. And yet, I have learned so much more about myself this year. I learned that I am strong. I learned that, even in the face of the hardest things I have ever gone through, I can still be compassionate towards others and take responsibility for my own emotions. I learned that I can get s*** done when I need to. I learned that I can make friends anywhere I go. And… I learned how new beginnings often come from painful, challenging endings.

I can now look back and start to make sense of what I have gone through. Every day I heal a little more, and every day I make a little more progress. <3

Here’s to a fruitful 2015.

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